That moment when

..your holiday is coming to an end and you don’t really know how to feel about it. Before the break, you were ecstatic and couldn’t wait for time where you didn’t have to wake early  or drown in assignments. Then you’re graced with free time, lots of it . Couple days later you’re dying from boredom and reflecting on the poor life choices you’ve made such as not having more friends and why you keep stalking that instagram profile when  it makes your eyes burn with jealousy. In one word you’re conflicted. Throw in your sadness as well.

Well that perfectly describes how I feel and I can only speak about myself. At least my days will become productive once again and also I’ll get to see that special someone. That someone that waltzed so effortlessly into my life and filled my heart with laughter. Ye, that awesome friend that I was honoured to meet. That friend among many others that I’ve met since freshman year. I’m looking forward to being reunited with them, share laughs and the stories oh how we spent the Christmas break.

On the other hand, I want work smarter this year. Working harder is exasperating whereas working smarter is more beneficial and less time consuming. I’ve already recruited some work from those who have already taken the courses I’ll be sitting; I’ve begun establishing my networking skills and I’ve already mentally prepared myself to accept the library as my second room. If I continue to find the latter difficult, my room will have to suffice and make use of daylight in doing so. (My room is dark)  Blah Blah Blah

The point is that I’m returning to school and I wouldn’t have it any other way

Crush

As long as you have life someone will take an interest in you or you will take an interest in someone. Yeah humans can be mean and despicable at times but despite all that negativity we crave love and affection because we all have a heart that works. Countless times I’ve faltered at the site of a gorgeous individual. Time stops and I’m left frozen like an awkward turtle as said gorgeous individual passes by and gets on with his/her life. Thus a new infatuation is born. I want to see this person again, possibly get to know on a deeper level, establish a friendship, maybe get married. Ok, this is not entirely realistic but majority of us have experienced something similar.

I’ve had crushes all my life. I don’t particularly have good judgment but I’ll go ahead and say that I’ve been there: the secret glances, the looking over the shoulder as he/she passes, the over imaginative scenarios (going to the movies, going on a picnic, kissing under the moonlight), constantly thinking about about him/her. Yes, crushes consumes your very being and takes up residency in your mind. You become more conscious of your speech, you throw out compliments like Frisbees, you’re more aware of your attire and you want to spend as much time as you can with this person. This described my whole life as a freshmen thus far. I’m stable now but since July 2015 I was thoroughly intrigued.

I first saw my most recent crush last summer.

…how I imagine someone would write about me being my crush.

I just trolled myself

 

 

 

 

 

So..I’m back

One of my resolutions this year is to re-ignite the little writer inside of me. I once wrote on a daily basis whether it be a journal entry or a fanfic to pass the time but hobby was placed on the backburner when I went off for university and assignments slapped me in the face repeatedly. Anyhoo I survived the first semester Thank God and I’ll return for semester two next week. The plan is to continue writing, perhaps test the waters of poetry or write a script for a drama piece. In fact writing anything is better than writing nothing at all. I read somewhere that writing is 10% writing and 90% editing or something of the sort. With that being said, I’m often discouraged that I don’t have a theme to work with or the inspiration but if I make it a habit to sit before my laptop or before an empty face and force myself to write something, then that is crucial step to get the momentum going and..that’s all it takes to get started.

Before I started this post, I went over my previous entries and they made me a little sad. Remembering that I didn’t get the acceptance I wanted for medical school really pulled at my heartstrings. However, that is not the case today. When I rejected the offer I made a promise to myself, to be the best at whatever I chose to do and though I would never have imagined doing what I’m currently doing, which is the pure and applied sciences, I enjoy it to my surprise. At times I get frustrated and overly emotional but I’ve accepted that’s what happens to the best of us. Of course we are not robots and we’ll have cracks along the way but the goal is to not break. I don’t wake up miserable everyday because I’m thankful that I still got the opportunity to do what I do and it’s refreshing. Life throws curveballs at you for a reason. I could go on and on about my university experience but that deserves several future posts.

As it relates to my summer interest. The ever burning fire of infatuation was extinguished. Indeed, the intense feelings of the crush dissolved like salt in water. Allen, who once had the effect of reducing me to nervous stutter and shaking fingers is now a thing of the past. Going off to university was a major factor in eliminating that infatuation. When the work and assignments came crashing down on me like an avalanche, I drowned myself in writing lab reports, preparing for experiments and losing sleep. That too kept me away from home because it seemed like I had time for nothing, including visiting home. Consequently I was no longer a frequent patron at the establishment where Allen worked . Therefore he was out of sight and out of my mind. I couldn’t even fit him in my mind if I wanted to while I locked myself in my dorm room trying to memorize the pentose phosphate pathway. Lol. As a matter of fact I stumbled across his pathway about two weeks ago when I went by the supermarket. I looked up and there he was. He looked backed at me. I felt empty because 4 months earlier one glance had my eyes fluttering and my paper hurt crumpling in on itself but then he   was just a guy, a worker. I looked away and continued chatting to my mom as he passed by but I noticed he slowed down a bit as he did. Did he want to chance a ‘hello’ or something? I’ll never know since I never gave him the time of day. I’m against living with regrets but in retrospect I should’ve said something. The next time I will…

Until then…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Down

I’ve been down for the past few days.

All summer I was anticipating exams results. Results came and then I was anticipating acceptance from medical school with bated breath. The acceptance came but I erupted into tears when I glanced at the first sentence.

I was accepted as a self financing student , meaning that should if I go, I will need to find over 3 million dollars to fund the tuition each year for five years.  That was and still is no source to pay such an exorbitant sum. I don’t have a great inheritance and I own no land.

I’m just a fresh high school graduate with dreams, dreams that seem so far out of reach at the moment and somehow it feels like my life is over. I cried a river of tears. I cried.

My speech is reduced to a few words and sleep is a luxury I crave. Now I’m exhausted but still sad. I feel like I’ve failed myself. I feel like a failure somewhat. In order to not sink any further into a state of depression, I’m making a conscious effort to see this big disappointment as a blessing in disguise. Perhaps God knows why I can’t begin that medical journey yet. The economy is not stable so it wouldn’t be wise to incur millions of dollars in loans. I haven’t given up on my dreams but maybe, for me , there is a different path to get there. This is an obstacle.

I need to overcome it.

Kno.Kyle

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Kno.Kyle

Me

 

Kno.Kyle

Boyfriend

The other day I’ve been craving a boyfriend like a pregnant women craves soap. I can’t fathom it, if it is the raging hormones or me  giving in to the lifestyles I follow on my social media spaces.

Everyone seems to be in a relationship now and enjoying themselves and I presume , since I’ve never dated before, I want to taste that particular slice of the pie.

Perhaps I desire a close companion as I do not have many  friends. Where the friend department of one’s life is concerned I seem to be failing terribly but I’ll expound on that in another post. 

I’m starved of companionship in a sense, someone to go out with, to the park, beach or wherever , someone who’s constantly just a fingertip away and someone to share romantic feelings with.

Am I ready for all that?

I’m not sure.

I’m not sure of anything right now.

There is this guy… Allen

“There is this guy” these words preempt the story of a girl who is utterly smitten by a stranger. I refer to him as a stranger becuase that is exactly who and what he is. I’m ignorant to the shows he watches and the food he eats or the minor detail as to whether  he is right-handed or left-handed. All that I know for certain about this guy that has piqued my interrest this summer is a one syllable first name , after days of convincing myself that he wouldn’t ignore me when I asked along with insurmountable encouragement from colleagues.

I’ll call him Allen.

I first noticed Allen last year  summer at this particular establishment I frequent on a weekly basis.Very new to the English language and environment, Allen couldn’t communicate openly and freely among customers. Consequently  “Sorry no English ” sufficed. I guess I could say that was when I first noticed the new face,  being a regular patron and all.

The days went by and so I returned to school in the city leaving Allen behind only to remember and appreciate his existence during my sporadic visits. On each visit, I ventured into that building to see this guy, this stranger who’s every glance and eye contact seemed to be fuelling my infatuation. He was mysterious and interesting. He wouldn’ t qualify for an eye candy but there was something about him that was pulling me in and as a result the feelings found root to blossom.

At one point I had to give him a name to address him by whenever conversing with friends and “Allen” was suitable. Summer of this year came and once again I began frequenting that estbalishment,  sometimes multiple times a week before I finally mustered the courage to ascertain a one syllable name . The name that was to set evreything straight, to give a hint that hey I’m interested in you,  to be a conversation starter, to initiate the summer fling. Boy was that an disappointment! Being worried and frightened of all the worst possible outcomes , dressing nicely and summoning the pride from every fibre of my body only to be rewarded with a one sylabble name. That was my reward? However, there was s sense of accomplishmentt in approaching this guy that makes my fingers shake and my heart flutter. Amazement was hudddled in there too upon realization that this guy, this stranger was now fluent…basically. The possibility of having a conversation with him was intriguing.

As summer progressed  I ignored him due to lack of confidence on my part and busyness on his part. Given that he was more versed in the English language, he was given more duties and therefore was busy as a bee with not a second free to get a “Hi” in. Frustrated , I went my way not making it known to anyone via facial expressions becuase I could be very transparent at times without knowing.

Allen occupied a residency in mind. I thought about him. I envisioned dates and laughter and smiles. I probably over analyzed whenever he happened to look my way or when he fidgeted a bit when he saw me coming or that almost-chuckle that I thought I heard.  He was partly responsible for my smiles and giggles whenever I talked about him. He had me feeling giddy and excited for I finally had a crush on an actual person and not an intagible celebrity with a name on the screen but a lad I saw every week. Yet the sad reality remained  that I have spoken more about him than I have spoken to him.

Recently, I exchanged words last Saturday with me taking the initiave, again. I asked for his name once more ( like i forgot ) and offered mine this time. That took a lot of guts and my eager tongue tripped over the words and I’m the Native English speaker here. It was quite hilarious now that I remember,  for Allen to have that effect on me.

So this guy, whose first name is monosyllablic , works in a place I happen to drop by every week , is still a stranger to me. However my weekly visits will not be as such when I begin my university journey. Maybe this will extinguish my affection for Allen somehow like it did when I returned to high school. Before I go off next week, I’d like to ask “How long will you be staying in Jamaica? ” since he appears quite young himself and “How old are you?” I’m not guarenteed any truthful answers but I believe these are risks I can take before leaving.

Why I hate instagram..

Hello there !

It’s not that I hate the seemingly most popular social app as of late, but I don’t particularly love the people who used the said app. Instagram is great! It doesn’t have an instant messaging feature but the mere picture of a sunrise or a picture of oneself tells a thousand stories. From experience I’ve been able to surmise the events of stranger’s lives just by perusing there display of picture and more pictures. This is amazing and at the same time creepy and stalkerish and social media without a doubt facilitates the latter.

However I’ve been getting green eyes when I open the app on my device.: flawless selfies after flawless selfies; food porn after food porn and social events after social events showing how many friends one has. I’ve gotten frustrated and a bit angry when I see how happy, youthful and glorious some persons project their lives. And when I put my life in perspective , it seems not even 1/3 close to the lives of others. At the same time I try to comfort myself with thoughts like nobody wants to publicize negativity, and that I must find happiness within myself and my life and not in the selfies of others. It’s logical that once you delve in comparisons that you’ll end up magnifying and exacerbating your shortcomings and truthfully ,  if you continue to measure your worth with someone else’s ruler you never make the cut. These individuals don’t live perfect lives but they choose to project the best aspects of them. On that note, they are somewhat pretending to be happy. I’ve seen pictures of selfies taken at parties. When did it become so important to take picture after picture of yourself and probably an equally good looking person while at a party , with the intention to post said pictures on a social media saturated with strangers for them to offer likes instead of you genuinely having fun at said party?

Another thing that irritates me is the feature of likes. I’m tired of people traversing random profiles fishing for likes and comments. I believe its shallow that you have to beg someone to like a picture of yourself instead of that person liking your picture on his/her own accord. Consequently, at the end of the day, you end up with a significant number of likes and you feel great because your popularity has been validated and your self esteem has been boosted . Yet you begged for those likes irrespective of the fact that the person didn’t genuinely like your picture but did you a favour.  Everyone wants to be famous, it seems and gaining followers may be one step closer to achieving that. I believe were only becoming more materialistic as the world progresses and advances in technology continues.
 
You might me wondering why I don’t delete my account and uninstall the app. At the moment, instagram is uninstalled but I do intend to become active once again. Everything in moderation.